Not The Cucumber!

Car journeys lasting longer than an hour, when the boys were small, used to be my definition of hell.

As we pulled away from home last week, I looked at them in the back, surrounded by enough electronic devices to stock a small JB-HiFi, and remembered the bum and mind-numbing journeys of my childhood. I tried to tell them, but they just looked at me with pity while inserting their earphones. Sigh.

Judge away, but the peace these electronic devices brings cannot be underestimated. Once we are sure it’s safe (i.e. no eavesdroppers) TS and I have some of our best chats.

But best of all is gazing out of the window, watching the breathtaking Australian scenery go by, the rhythmic sound of tyres over tarmac lulling me to sleep.

Obviously, this tranquillity never lasts.

Pulling over to change drivers, I marvelled again at the scenery, chanting my usual “Can you believe we live here?” mantra.

(Which frankly, TS is bored with hearing.)

I readied the camera.

TS announced he needed a pee.

Expecting him to dodge behind a tree I took aim with the lens.

Bad move.

Here was a man in need of some communing with nature.

He peed next to me.

Face pressed against the car window, CM exclaimed “Urgh…look at the mess he’s making!” (He is his father’s son after all).

Racing back to the car, narrowly avoiding the piss pool spreading out on the dusty ground, I lamented again my existence as the lone female in the House of Trouser.

(TS was to the left of me as this was taken)

Another 2 hours passed. The boys eyes were now fully rectangular and they were whingeing intermittently…”how much further?”, “can I have a snack?” etc.

I returned to window-gazing hoping the peaceful landscape would help me drown out the moaning.

We began to pass signs about fruit flies…What the what the?

And then we saw the road block.

For confiscating fruit and vegetables.

I tried to banter with the “fruit officer” as I handed over our apples and bananas.

Unsmiling, she barked: “Do I need to search the rest of the vehicle?”

I was borderline hysterical with giggles as I said no.

AND THEN  I spotted another contraband item.

TS could not have sounded more English as he exclaimed:


The fruit officer’s face was a picture.

Poms on the road, eh?

Do you love or loathe road trips?


12 thoughts on “Not The Cucumber!

  1. Love them!! and we were talking last week on our 4 hours trip that Crazy only pops her head up between movies, judge away people, but when we do 16 hour drives home, it makes them quicker for all : ) great piece xx
    PS – the fruit police scare me

  2. :: giggle ::

    Sounds like a most adventurous journey 😀

    I’ve been caught out by those fruit fly inspections before. No matter how well organised I think I am there is generally a stray apple somewhere.

  3. Very funny about the cucumber, I hope she had a sense of humour. I wish we’d had some form of entertainment when our mum dragged us all around Queensland when we were kids. I feel sorry for her, what with my car sickness and our naughtiness in general, she had to stop the car often to let me out for a break, or to break up fights.

  4. What a classic. I know how you feel about saying “can you believe we live here”. I do that in London all the time. I’d forgotten about those road blocks … imagine that happening trying to take apples in to Wales?

  5. We have that issue getting in to Tassie with the car. We have special papers to say the dog can come in, and they check every single car coming off the boat for fish, fruit, veg and honey.

    Though lucky for me I have family waiting with gin and Tassie safe cucumber.

  6. without the kids, i quite like road trips – great chance to just be – sit and talk, sit and think

    we are about to embark upon our longest road trip with the boys at the end of this year -NO IDEA how we are going to manage

    praying they sleep, praying they sit quietly, praying i load up their ipods with so many new apps and songs – they don’t notice!

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