Who Do You Think You Are?

It’s happening again.

Activities I have been looking forward to, suddenly loom like insurmountable obstacles, to be avoided at all costs.

The Black Dog is whispering in my ear.

“Who do you think you are?”

“What makes you think you can do this?”

“Is anyone really interested in anything you have to say?”

I swear I can hear the fucker laughing at me.

I can’t breathe.

Trying to ignore him, I realise the voice is coming from inside my own head.

Fuck.

My brain, conditioned over so many years, is playing its favourite tricks.

You are not good enough.

“She may as well stop coming to ballet you know, she’s getting too tall”

“It’s a shame really, her sister is so pretty”

“Why do you have to look like him?”

“You can’t do that”

“Depression  lies” a good friend told me.

It probably does.

But she’s still here. The tall, gawky girl, who sometimes talks too much and too loudly, scared of doing or saying the wrong thing.

Still trying to find out whether or not she’s good enough.

Today is World Mental Health Day – raising public awareness of mental health issues. Depression affects 350 million people worldwide.

It’s time to end the stigma.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Who Do You Think You Are?

  1. Your friend is right, that black dog is a liar.
    But even when your rational brain knows that, the bastard still gets in, snapping away at your rationality.

    I can’t count the number of times someone has paid me a compliment, and inside my head my first thought is “if only you knew”, or had to fight the involuntary movement of looking over my shoulder to see who they are talking to.

    Proud of you. For being brave. The more we talk, the more the stigma associated with mental illness is knocked down. Wish I could give you a huge squeeze right now!

    Love light and strength lovely xoxox

  2. I’m the ultra shy fat girl who can’t do anything right.

    We’ll be the perfect too-loud pair annoying everyone. And we won’t care.

    I changed my life by realising that if the worst thing happens in a social situation, I’ll still be alive, nobody will die and tomorrow is another day. And I vomited all over myself in front of Brendan Coyle and survived so what could compare to that?

    You are worthy, wonderful, and you WILL BE FINE.

    Xxxxxx

  3. The black dog is a liar. Her biggest job is to make you not mention she is there. It may be baby steps you’re taking, but they are steps none the less. Keep on taking them xxx

  4. I like Michaela’s advice above, if it helps I can try to vomit on someone to deflect attention – I’m concerned I will need to start drinking at 6am just to make it though the next two days x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s